Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Positive Outlook In Life

On Monday, I went for my usual run. Not feeling really up to it due to some situation that has been bothering me the past months. Not one to waste an hour of inactivity, I decided to suck it up and just run it. It was supposed to be my taper week, but the race this coming weekend will not be strenuous enough to warrant an all out tapering and preparation. So, i decided, against my own plan to perform a Hill Interval Tempo; instead of just a Hill workout. That's three different workout all rolled into one.
This blog entry however, wasn't about the "half-hearted run that i put in 150%". 
It was what happened after the run that has actually made me think the better half of the evening. 
Sweating and all, i got myself into the sauna room. I does a lot of stretching and some yoga in the sauna room. I found that doing that in a hotter environment helps with my recovery much faster. Unlike any other days, there was a man, elderly, sitting there. 
And I am not someone that will strike any conversation - not when I am in a company of an unknown man and we were half naked/covered in towel.
"is it raining outside?", the man asked
"No, sir", i answered, avoiding eye contact.
And like an uninvited guest, the man started more conversation.
"I have a dilemma. My doctor asked me to lose weight as I am diabetic", the man, which looked height and weight proportion said.
"Oh Lord, please spare me any details of small talk, please!" i spoke to myself, but at the same time, smiling.
"Now, the doctor is asking me to put on more weight", he continued as i made my first eye contact.
"I have cancer". He said.
There was a moment of silence - as if he know I will not be asking anything.
"I am so sorry to hear that Sir", i added. This time, it was me continuing the conversation.
My mother in law was diagnosed with Type A Lymphoma (non-Hodgkin) about 18 months ago. Series of chemo and radio-therapies. Frustrations and uncertainties, mixed with anxieties and painful experiences of watching a healthy lady losing half her weight and losing all her hair. 
I felt bad.
Felt bad that I was not sympathetic in the first place.
"My doctor said it is Lymph Cancer. Non-Hodgkin. At my crotch", he added, smiling. As if it was his badge-of-honor.
After knowing his condition and his battle the past six-months with the cancer, which he said, was finally removed (thumb sized). I reflected on my own condition.
Low iron.
Sciatica.
Career path.
Kids.
It all looked minute. Almost negligible.
I excused myself as the sauna was getting incredibly hot and humid - perhaps my own conscience. 
How can a man, diagnosed with cancer just 6 months ago, can look at me and tell me this with a straight face, with almost no sadness but happiness?
How can a man, his age (75 which i later found out), be this positive, when he know himself (as he told me) that, "hey, tomorrow if i have to go, I've done it all"?
It was one of the longer shower I took at the club. Not because i was sweatier than usual, but, here I am. 36. Sometimes fill myself with negativity. Complains. 
Can i just wash these away? Please?
It has been almost 16 months since I had my depression. Life for me now has been superb. It is more balance. I've re-prioritised. I've changed my eating and living habits. Became stronger and healthier. Had the chance to see my kids really grow over the past one year. 
But somehow, we were all not satisfied.
That is until the elderly man share with me the story of his "dilemma".
It is true, as the old saying goes :
"None is as blind as those that do not want to see; and as deaf as those that do not want to listen".
It is raining now and I am in a melancholic mood. Anyone wants to listen to my Dilemma?
There is no cloud the sun won't shine through

9 comments:

  1. Melancholy...that's me most of the time...

    I'm ready to listen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) Tomatoman - you sir, with what you went through health wise, earn more respect from me that those that keep harping on their sickness and using it to their advantage to gain either sympathy or monetary gain. :)

      Over Kolomee, one of these days, we share.

      Delete
  2. love to contribute by listening to your dilemma.. after all, letting it all out is a good therapy indeed... =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed. It is part of learning for me too.

      Delete

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